"New York may not be for life, but life for now"

We all know the story of Harry Potter. And because of Harry we know about Daniel Radcliffe and because of Harry, Daniel will have a hard time being anyone BUT Harry. It's who he is known for, it's why he is known, it's what people see and also what they want to see. So how does Daniel become someone other than Harry?

He starts again.

As you grow and morph, it is often hard to shake the skin that once formed your being. Who I was at 5 was not who I was at 10 and who I was at 15 was not who I was at 20. Sometimes people see the face, hear the voice and it is one of the same. And occasionally, when looking in the mirror, you don't see the difference either. Life keeps moving, whether we're ready to move or not and judgement is a funny thing. People will begin a sentence with "ok, no judging but...." and others say "I don't care, I'll judge..." and whether good or bad, people form opinions and from those opinions, words and actions are created. 

Moving countries (towns, cities, schools or workplaces) undoubtedly provides an opportunity to begin something new. Sometimes thats precisely the reason we do move. That is... IF you're ready to be something new. Making friends in New York has been like getting dressed in the mornings with no mirror. You're not sure what you look like to these people, how you sound (have you ever listened to a recording of your own voice- do I really sound like that?! Ugh!). Is that a mask they're wearing or is it real?

I spent a lot of my childhood in rural Tasmania, I made my friends when I was 3 years old and when I returned for high school at 15, my friends introduced me to new friends, and from here, everyone became a link to someone new. I always 'knew' who my new friends were and they 'knew' me. There are not many 'brand new' people in rural areas and if they are, everyone knows who they are. When you date someone, you will most likely know all their ex girlfriends. You break up and you'll probably know their new girlfriend. There are links within links, within links. And this can be a nice thing and an annoying thing. When I lived in Sydney, a similar story happened. While Sydney isn't small, with 4 million people, 'making friends' wasn't a brand new beginning. Again, I had links within links. 

Whats your point Rachel?

My point is. You're never a clean slate. You are who you are 'known' to be. And when you're ready to morph and grow, it can be difficult to do this, it takes time. Moving to New York, I unintentionally became a clean slate and something I didn't realise until only last week. Sitting with a friend around her kitchen counter, sipping on our second glass, we began talking about the parts of me I hadn't spoken about before. For the past 2 months, our friendship was in the present. What we brought to the table was our connection on traveling, New York and Australia. We hadn't ever needed to unpick our pasts because they were irrelevant, we knew we wouldn't hold any links in the past to each other- so why discuss it? I wouldn't know the school she attended or her best friends best friend. As I spoke about my family in Australia, my friends and where I went to school... she was surprised. The 'idea' of who I was to her here, was not the same as the words I was speaking. She had been certain I was some rich private school girl, sheltered, educated, with no grey areas. I wasn't sure whether to blush or hold back vomit. I was now operating in a world with connections I have made and with connections that remain because of me. It got me thinking. We really are what we are. Not who we think we are. And to watch our thoughts. The thoughts we form of the people we meet and of the people we think we 'know'. And it reminded me... you can be whoever you want to be Rachel. 

Sunday the 22nd of September marked 5 months in America. And it is only just now that I am finding my running feet. I had a friend visit from Australia this past weekend and as he observed New York from his eyes, I felt like I was listening to myself several months ago. There was an underlying love for the city but a little of "yeah but I don't get what the big deal is! It's loud, so many people, it's dirty, there are homeless everywhere...". And I know I have said each and every one of those things. New York and I had a love hate relationship. As I spoke with my friend, most elements of New York were being compared to Australia. And again, I could hear myself. In my first month here I remember sitting around a table with my two American guy friends, M & R. We had cooked food and I was picking up the bottles of food expressing my outrage at the ingredients, Ranch dressing in particular. I would kick off most sentences with "Well, in Australia..." and then all of a sudden M turned to me and he said, "you can go back to Australia if you want you know". It felt like he had just thrown the Ranch dressing in my face. What did he mean by that?! Why would he say such a thing? But 5 months later... I get it. Quit comparing, because it just ain't the same. Never will be. Never should be. And that's why I'm here, that's why we're all here. Because this crazy chaos is a little like a lullaby. New York City has its trash in the streets, its homeless on the corners, its steam flowing out of the subways, the cracks in the sidewalks and horns that fill the air. But thats.what.its.all.about. There are men and women who spend their lives living out to sea on boats in the ocean or on isolated farms in the middle of the country. These landscapes all differing from one another, but those who choose to live there... call it home.

You cannot compare yellow to green or stones to water. It makes no sense. And I'm fast learning that you've got to be some kind of crazy to keep the pace in this city. Crazy in love that is. Because this isn't a medicore city. This is a hurricane of chaos that will knock you flat if you're not strong enough for it. And as a result of this... you're not going to get a good reception from fellow New Yorkers when you want to chat about "the stupid trash lining Manhattan streets" or "the food is just bad here in America" because those little elements are what form the lining of the streets. The noises, the chaos, the yelling and the horns. And by attacking that, you're attacking them. And I've seen the defensiveness of New Yorkers when they hear it. You may as well look at a picture of their child and tell them it's ugly. You'll get the same response.

10 years ago I sat on the sand, looking out across the ocean. And now, I can sit on the concrete and look out across New York City. This concrete is my slate. My brand new slate.

 And right now... I wouldn't change a thing.

So in the words of my dear friend "New York may not be for life, but life for now". 

xxxx