What do you want Rachel?
What are you looking for?
You don't know?
Oh..... maybe you're lost?
As a little girl I would lay my head down on the pillow (or sometimes the desk at school). I would squeeze my eyelids shut and start the thoughts racing through my little head. I would imagine teenage Rachel when she finally got her P plates and could drive herself around (in a Toyota RAV4, yep this was my dream car in aqua blue). I would imagine Rachel being old enough to go out late at night with her friends. And sometimes I would imagine adult 'old' Rachel in a wedding dress on her wedding day (although the grooms face looked a little like ken doll).
From a very young age I would create pictures, I think most of us do at some stage in our lives. We create the picture, or the goal of what we want and what we are moving towards. I have been lucky enough to make most of my 'pictures' a reality. At age 10 I remember phoning my Mum and telling her I wanted to move back to Sydney and I did. At 15 years old I wanted to move back to Tasmania and I did. At 17 I applied for The University of Sydney and knew at the end of year 12 I wanted to be accepted into the University and move back to Sydney to live... and I did. At 19 I realised I wanted to change University courses from social work to teaching and I did. At 22 I knew I wanted to work hard and be accepted into the honours program at University and I did. At 23 I decided New York was where I wanted to move... and... I did.
I had life 'figured out'.
I had life 'figured out'.
But now I am here and for the first time in my life I'm not quite sure whats next. I don't have a picture anymore. People ask me, "so you're moving back to Sydney next year, yeah?" and I reply yes, I think?
"I am not lost. To be lost you have to know where is is you're supposed to be and I don't even know that yet".
Many of my friends in Australia have boyfriends/girlfriends, fiancés, husbands/wifes and some even have children. I have friends who have graduated from University and have secured jobs in their desired field. And then there are others, like me, who have chosen to wander for a little while. I think thats what I'm doing? Wandering?
Isn't that why we travel and explore? I know thats why I am. When I lived in Sydney I had this overwhelming feeling that "there just has to be more than this". Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life in Sydney, I have wonderful friends and a loving family, Australia is awesome and I have a place to live, I had a car to drive and several jobs to earn money. But (there is always a but) I didn't want to graduate from University, become a teacher, have a boyfriend, get engaged, get a mortgage, get married and have babies (obviously that's not what everyone does but I'm generalising). So I decided I had to jump.
And I jumped.
I had to go and discover 'something' else. I had to push myself into the discomfort and see what I'd find. And ultimately I found myself. That sounds so lame I know, but it's true. And then the other day, just when I thought I had 'everything' figured out, I thought... oh crap, so what's my plan? RACHEL WHAT IS YOUR PLAN! And I don't think I have an answer. Crap, crap, crap. But, wait... do I need to? I don't know. I have always had a plan and it has always worked out. But now I don't have one. Will that work too?
To move about without a definite destination or purpose.
Isn't that why we travel and explore? I know thats why I am. When I lived in Sydney I had this overwhelming feeling that "there just has to be more than this". Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life in Sydney, I have wonderful friends and a loving family, Australia is awesome and I have a place to live, I had a car to drive and several jobs to earn money. But (there is always a but) I didn't want to graduate from University, become a teacher, have a boyfriend, get engaged, get a mortgage, get married and have babies (obviously that's not what everyone does but I'm generalising). So I decided I had to jump.
And I jumped.
I had to go and discover 'something' else. I had to push myself into the discomfort and see what I'd find. And ultimately I found myself. That sounds so lame I know, but it's true. And then the other day, just when I thought I had 'everything' figured out, I thought... oh crap, so what's my plan? RACHEL WHAT IS YOUR PLAN! And I don't think I have an answer. Crap, crap, crap. But, wait... do I need to? I don't know. I have always had a plan and it has always worked out. But now I don't have one. Will that work too?
I was chatting with my best friend the other day and she said "if only I could just figure out what life I actually want, because I have so many". BAM! She said it perfectly!!! That's EXACTLY how I feel! I have 7 different Rachel's all wanting a slightly different life. So there the challenge is, to figure out how to roll them all up into one big ball of life. I have days where I think I want to be a full-time teacher, then some days I want to become a writer and completely change professions all together, then some days I think I would like to go to Africa and work in a village annnnnd then I want to go to Europe, Greece and maybe stay in New York?!?! Well you get the idea... I don't really know what I want just yet. I am wandering.
And at the moment I am wandering around the concrete jungle...
It's the strangest feeling when all of a sudden, a place that once felt so foreign and confusing has now become a place that I can easily navigate my way around, I can give advice to others on places to go, things to see and subways routes. I know which places to avoid and which places to stay a little longer in.
To the wanderer belongs the wonder...
Last Saturday night I ran up the subway stairs, dress on and black heeled boots. It was raining and I knew 10 blocks was going to be too far to walk (in heels and in the rain). So I walked out onto the road, I could see behind me people timidly standing on the sidewalk with their bags, arms desperately flailing at cabs but no taxi was stopping. I know, now, as a 'New Yorker' you need to be a little more aggressive. So out I stood on the road, 1 lane in and up went my arm and sure enough I got my yellow taxi. I jumped in, "44 on 10th please" and off went the taxi. There was a time I would get in the taxi and not know how to give the right directions, the drivers would always respond "what's the cross street? North west or east corner?" I would have no idea what they were asking... but now I do. I get it now. And these are the little things that make me happy.
Sunday, the 28th of July.
Here I am.
At the Her Campus conference, something I stumbled upon by accident on the internet. The day was filled with 300 other young women and speakers, editors/publishers/writers from various magazines including Vanity Fair, Teen Vogue and The Huffington Post. As I sat in the large conference area, surround by the tall buildings of Manhattan and 300 women I had never met in my life I thought....
How did I end up wandering here?! Seriously.
But gosh I'm glad I did.
 |
| There I am, 3 rows back. |
"What would you like your life to look like in 5 years from now?"
This is the question that was asked of me on Sunday afternoon, while I sat in a boardroom, surrounded by those tall buildings and with other young women. What do I want? Are you for REAL?! I had been having this conversation in my head for the last few days and now this women wants me to answer it?
"I'm going to give you all 5 minutes to write down your answers"...
WHAT! I look around and everyone is furiously writing their responses. I don't knooooowwww....
So I get my pen and start writing. I'm thinking, thinking, thinking. And below you can see what I came up with.
As you can probably tell by the length, it took me all of 1-2 minutes. I had already finished. Everyone around me still had their heads down and writing. Maybe they are just slow writers? Maybe they are pretending? Or maybe they have a lot to say? Hmmm... 12 months ago I would have had my highlighters out with columns and lists, with my plans and goals organised in perfect detail. Today... I just have my brief short list. Looking too far forward now makes me a little uneasy.
I am actually enjoying where I am right now. Go figure.
"Ok, pens down. Would anyone like to share with the group anything you've just realised from writing this down?"
Several girls stood up and shared their plans. Then one girl gets up "Well I've realised I have a lot more planning I need to do, because in 5 years I'm going to be 25! And I need to get a lot done by then!". Ohhhh sheeeesh, I'm 25 next year, I actually felt old for a moment.
I am sitting in my chair, with my new friend (I had made that day) sitting next to me. Do I want to speak? Do I? All of a sudden my arm lifts up and before I realise I'm standing and introducing myself to all these women.
"I'm Rachel and I'm from Australia". Gasps and "oooohhs" fill the room, "oh my gosh your accent is beautiful!". Thanks! This is feeling easier to talk now.
"Although I found it a little hard to write my 5 year plan, today I have realised that what started as an idea has actually come true. I am in New York city, in this room, in this conference and I did it all by myself. I didn't have a friend to give me the ticket or push me through the door. I did it, just me and for the first time in a long while, my 5 year plan is focused on me".
The wanderer.
As you can probably tell by the length, it took me all of 1-2 minutes. I had already finished. Everyone around me still had their heads down and writing. Maybe they are just slow writers? Maybe they are pretending? Or maybe they have a lot to say? Hmmm... 12 months ago I would have had my highlighters out with columns and lists, with my plans and goals organised in perfect detail. Today... I just have my brief short list. Looking too far forward now makes me a little uneasy.
I am actually enjoying where I am right now. Go figure.
"Ok, pens down. Would anyone like to share with the group anything you've just realised from writing this down?"
Several girls stood up and shared their plans. Then one girl gets up "Well I've realised I have a lot more planning I need to do, because in 5 years I'm going to be 25! And I need to get a lot done by then!". Ohhhh sheeeesh, I'm 25 next year, I actually felt old for a moment.
I am sitting in my chair, with my new friend (I had made that day) sitting next to me. Do I want to speak? Do I? All of a sudden my arm lifts up and before I realise I'm standing and introducing myself to all these women.
"I'm Rachel and I'm from Australia". Gasps and "oooohhs" fill the room, "oh my gosh your accent is beautiful!". Thanks! This is feeling easier to talk now.
"Although I found it a little hard to write my 5 year plan, today I have realised that what started as an idea has actually come true. I am in New York city, in this room, in this conference and I did it all by myself. I didn't have a friend to give me the ticket or push me through the door. I did it, just me and for the first time in a long while, my 5 year plan is focused on me".
The wanderer.
 |
| Her Campus conference. |
Who would have thought in a room full of strangers. From the little girl with a million pictures in her head to the girl sitting on her laptop in New York typing so much has happened in-between.
What makes some people go and others stay? What makes some people push through the discomfort and others run? What makes some people leave what they know in search of something more?
There has to be a story there....
Many of us always feel the grass is greener on the other side... but we know the truth. The grass is greener where you water it.
And I'm carrying my watering can with me from now on.
