Lend me your eyes.

"And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

In these bodies we will live, 
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, 
you invest your life".

Awake my soul, Mumford & Sons. 

I have been searching for the why. Why did I decide to move away for a year? What compelled me to run straight from the warm sand into the brisk concrete jungle?

After many conversations with various people I have realised what I never had before. I have realised the 'difference' between 'travelling' for a year and 'moving' away for a year. When you're travelling you're usually moving destinations every few weeks, excitement is high and when your emotions dip low, a sight of something bright and new usually picks you back up again. If you arrive somewhere you don't particularly fancy, you know it's not permanent and off you go again, clothes packed up, shoes on and back off into the wild you go. 

A big part of me expected this sort of adventure when I set off on the plane. I wasn't expecting the unexpected... I was expecting what I expected! I had thought I would be 'travelling' for a year, I mean that was how I thought it would feel. I had the picture in my head of what it was going to look like, feel like and be like.

But here's the thing... it's never like you expect. It's not better, it's not worse... it's just different. It's going to be different. Moving to New York to live for a year is different to travelling. You wake up and you go to work, you have good days and you have bad days. You meet new friends and some will be forever and others won't. You explore new places that are beautiful and exciting and others that are scary and unsafe.  Your body is still your body in another country and your surroundings remain the same. Before I set off on my journey a friend asked "can I ask why you want to do this?", I was a little jolted at first, what do you mean why? Just because! But my answer resembled something like "to just have a break from here, to find myself, to challenge myself, to figure it out" the usual optimistic, empowering response one would expect of a young twenty-something year old. He then proceeded to gently 'warn' me that just because I was in another country, any problems I might be trying to run from will still be there. Ha! Problems? Me? Never. 

Well. Well. Well. 

I feel like I am butt naked standing on top of a New York taxi (where I could possibly be missed but most likely seen naked and vulnerable by everyone and then broadcast on Youtube).  I have discovered that the shit you keep on your boots is still there even after you get on a plane and fly 22 hours away. 

I have discovered that the world is a big place. I feel like I have stumbled across a new earth, but this is just one state within a country, within a world. A very big world. People everywhere are different, I don't mean this in the superficial physical way (obviously). I mean... as I have stood in the streets of New York and watched while hundreds of people whoosh past, twirling, weaving, dodging and stopping... I am intrigued by each of them. What are their stories? Why did that person stop and give a dollar to the pregnant homeless woman begging for money with her three year old next to her (and yes I saw this) and the other 30 people walked straight past? Places are different, the birds sound different, the ocean feels more salty, the sand isn't the same colour and the trees are not gum and no body knows what eucalypts oil is. I have learned.. that no matter how much difference surrounds you, how many lights blind you and no matter how much noise you make... at the end of the day it's just me myself and I (even in New York).

Homesickness is a funny thing, you know if you Google homesickness so many links will appear, who knew! A lot of my blog posts have been 'upbeat' and full of 'new found independence' and 'so much adventure'. And then out of the blue I got hit in the face with a pang of homesickness... AGAIN! I wondered... was I being truthful? Was I really enjoying myself as much as I said? And the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. Every picture posted and every blog written is truthful. The moments exist, the fun is real, the smiles are alive and the writing spills out just the way I feel it at the time. Do I usually write when I'm feeling a little down though? Of course not. But do I feel down occasionally? Of course I do. So what do I do? Usually I ring my best friends or my family who know me well enough to knock me back into shape again and I swiftly pull up my big girl socks and get on with it. Why? Because this is magnificent.

I mean really, it is magnificent. The fact that I have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to explore a culture and a country that isn't my own (some people will never have the chance) is amazing. I have the opportunity to take 12 months to sit with myself and figure out who the hell I really am. And sometimes that's boring and I get bored, which leads to frustration, which leads to annoyance, sadness and then I end up at homesickness and doubt. But then I realise... I am exactly where I need to be and how will I ever grow if it's not uncomfortable. And it is uncomfortable sometimes.

I imagine it feels like the time when your Mum bought you a pair of shoes that were one size too big. At the time it was bloody irritating and you felt like everyone was laughing at you as you walked around in shoes resembeling a clowns. But she knew and everyone else knew, that soon enough you were going to grow into them, it may take a little time but eventually they will fit just perfectly. You'll be able to run and jump and climb and you won't even remember what it felt like when you wanted to kick them off and dig your old broken shoes out of the rubbish and put them back on because they would still fit. But you knew it was time to get some new shoes because you're growing up and soon, they will fit just right. You just got to give it some time. 

And time is something I have.

 xxx

And 'home' will always be there.