“Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are”. Jo Blackwell-Preston
We learn from a very young age that we should have
‘people’.
Day 1 of kindergarten the teacher will encourage
you to find some ‘friends’ to sit with. From here you will pick ‘your people’
and slowly begin to form ‘your group’. We all know the social consequences if
you don’t have a group or don’t have ‘friends’- a loser, a loner, a weirdo. In
fear of facing these taunts and in search of finding a place to belong and to
be with people who ‘get you’, you’ll run to hold hands with a partner when
you’re told to line up, god forbid you’re the only 1 left and have to walk with
the teacher as your partner. Each time you’re told to pick a buddy to sit with
or plan a project with you’ll seek comfort from ‘your’ friends. In primary
school this often leads to arguments of “you stole her from me- she is my
friend” and one day your best friend might fight with you and your world will
feel like it’s coming to an end, who will you sit with? How will you survive in
the playground or worse, the world? Who are you without them- nobody?
High school arrives and some us become separated
and are forced to find new ‘people’. High school is like being released into
the wild. A time when we are struggling with being a child and becoming an
adult. Many of us begin to form our first romantic relationships, we hate
school and we hate our parents- our ‘friends’ become our family. Our friends
become our life. When we break up with a boyfriend or fight with our parents
our ‘friends’ are the ones we run too, the ones we seek comfort and protection
from. You are a loyal, steadfast gang “best
friends foreverrrr!.” You only go to a party if your friends are going,
you’ll get matching shoes and you wouldn’t dare pick a subject at school
without discussing it with the group first “ok so, textiles, cooking and
German”. If your parents dare to insinuate she isn’t a good influence you feel
like they’ve just committed a crime- howwww
dare theyyyy?! You storm off and tell your Mum she has no idea about life.
Says 15 year old you.
And then one day high school ends and you suddenly
realise you have to start making some decisions on your own. Some of you are
getting jobs, other continuing to study and others are having children and
getting married. You realise you can’t make the same choices anymore- you HAVE
to start figuring it out alone, but how alone is really alone with mobile
phones?! For the next few years you’re all determined to remain in each other’s
pockets. While work, boyfriends and jobs might be making you time poor, you
make sure to always text, talk on the phone for hours and spend your time
retelling your dramas from the day, desperately needing their advice and
guidance, “I can’t make this decision alone! She knows me the best!”. While you
may no longer sit together in a circle at lunchtime, you’re not ready to cut
the cord. Because for the last 10 years all you know is the feeling of knowing
and defending each other. Those years when water is thicker than blood- for
most of us.
This little gang just got a little complicated. But
you’ll all hang on.
People say that you need to be alone and learn to
love yourself in order to really understand who you are and what you deserve.
I’ve always taken this to mean men- that you need to be single and alone to
find out who you are- but more recently I’ve decided that’s actually not the
case. You just need to be alone to find out who you are.
“Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other peoples”.
Anais Nin
Nearly 12 months ago I moved to the other side of
the world in search of “something more”, not quite knowing what that was but I
knew whatever it was, wasn’t in Australia.
I spent nights ‘alone’ in bed where I would cry and miss home. I was
alone I thought- away from my friends and away from my family. I don’t like
this alone stuff! I fought it with everything I had. I would keep busy with
joining the gym, making new friends, calling friends from home and filling up
all my empty spaces with noise and other peoples voices and opinions.
The thing
is- when you move to a ‘new world’ you suddenly have to figure out who you are.
What do you like and what don’t you like? Because your best friend isn’t here
to tell you. What dress matches which shoes? Hair up or hair down? Did I just
say something embarrassing? Do I text them back now or later? Have I put on
weight? Am I fat? All these seemingly minor choices that were once joint
decisions- are now all yours baby. Even if I wanted to make a joint decision my
best friends were sleeping in an opposite time zone. I had to make a conscious
choice on who I was and what Rachel I was going to be introducing to the world.
I wasn’t even sure. The thing with knowing people your whole life, is that
they’ve known you your whole life. Neither of you remember a time without each
other. Just like a romantic relationship, a friendship also has roles and
expectations that you play. Just as in high school, we become dependent on
each other and lean on each other when sometimes- you just need to hold
yourself up. Slowly but surely you'll learn
how too.
12 months later…
I’ve realised that what I was in search of- was me.
At 17 I couldn’t eat my breakfast without telling
my best friend. My choices needed to be approved and guided by others because I
didn’t have enough faith in myself. I didn’t trust my own decisions and I was
scared that when something went wrong, well it was no ones fault but mine. I
clung to the validation of others and my ego screamed in my head that to be loved, to
be liked and to be approved was crucial. Because without ‘them’ who was I?
"If you don’t like being a doormat then get off the floor".
Al Anon
Well being on the other side of the world, I've realised without them by my side- I'm still Rachel. And that my decisions, my choices and my beliefs are mine and they actually rock! I actually rock. Not everything is for everyone and although we liked the same subjects in school, in adult life it sometimes just doesn't work out the same in real life. As an adult, I have wonderful friends who I love dearly and not only do I have wonderful friends in Australia I have wonderful friends in America. I am very lucky. But what I've also learned is that I am strong enough to depend on me, my friends are my support when I need them, and I love them dearly but I am my decision maker I don't have to double check every choice before I make it and sometimes I can cry about something alone and get over it myself. We don't live in each others pockets anymore, we live next to each other and sometimes even a little further. We need to hold onto the memories but we also need to change some of our behaviours as we grow. We need to love, support and push each other upwards instead of holding on and drowning each other. We need to laugh and smile instead of critique and control. Be each others light, not each others shadow.
Growing up doesn't mean letting go, it just means changing and widening the dress size so it just fits you now, not everyone else and it means learning to speak with your own voice a little louder and order your own pepsi.
"Where you come from is gone, where you thought you were going to never was there, and where you are is no good unless you can get away from it. in yourself right now is all the place you've got".Flannery O'connor
R
xxx
