"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

"She has gone to that bourne from whence no traveller can return".

Death isn't something people often speak of, and why would they?  I for one have always attempted to avoid discussing it, because it was never going to happen to anyone I knew - so lets not discuss it. 

Some people have grandparents and then some people are blessed to have grandparents like mine. I have always been thought of as the lucky one amongst friends, the one who has 4 grandparents and 2 parents, or 6 parents as I feel more accurately describes them. Whether is was deciding which school I was going too, or whether I would be going on school camp this year, it was a collective decision. When I say I had 6 parents, I mean I had 6 parents. 

When making my decision to move to New York, I knew a year (which turned into longer) was a long time to leave home... a long time to leave my grandparents. I was worried that something might happen when I was gone, but I knew I had to live life in hope of the best, rather than the worst. I boarded a plane and off I went to live in New York for a year, doing what my Grandpa had done when he was only 19. Before I knew it, a year had flown by, we wrote letters and we spoke on the phone. The bright city lights were still captivating and I decided to extend my 12 months into 20 months. A little voice in the back of my head whispered "you might be pushing time here" but I told myself it would be ok. On the 4th of June my Uncle passed away. Home was so far and in that moment, New York couldn't have been further away. Death suddenly gave me a jolt. 

I phoned my Ma on Tuesday the 8th of July. We spoke about her birthday which was fast approaching on August 3rd, she would be 85. I told her how much I missed her, but it wouldn't be long until we were together again at christmas. Friday night, July 25th I worked a long 16 hour day, I got home at 2am and despite how tired I was, I just couldn't sleep. At 4:30am I received an email from my Grandpa saying that my Ma wasn't well, but not to worry she was going to be fine. I tried to go to sleep, but couldn't. Eventually I got out of bed at 8am and couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to get my visa forms signed incase I needed to leave New York quickly. I decided to sit down and write my Ma her birthday card,

 "... see you at Christmas  I love you". 

I had barely sealed the envelope and an email from my Grandpa appeared on my phone. It was 1:30am in Australia, why was he emailing me so late? I knew before I knew.  In 1951 my Grandpa was living in New York when his father passed away and on Saturday July 26th, I too was living in New York when my Ma, a woman that was always more of a mother than a grandmother, passed away.

You see, the problem is, we think we have time, when in reality life just happens whether we are ready for it or not. I was not ready for this.  I booked the first flight home I could get on, which turned out to be the next day. I would land in Sydney 3 days later and I had 22 long hours of travel ahead of me. All I wanted to do was sit on the floor and cry but I had a suitcase to pack, immigration forms to organise and a plane to get on. 

I landed Tuesday morning at 7am, scooped up at the airport by my best friend L and we drove to my Grandpas. The next two weeks I spent everyday with my Grandpa, my Mum and most days, my Aunty. Within the last two months our group of 6, went to 4, losing my Uncle and my Ma. How did this happen?? Sometimes we get hunches something bad is about to happen, and we 'prepare' but my intuition was off on this because I just didn't see this happening. Everything reminded me of her, where was she? For 24 years of my life she had been here in this house, I couldn't wrap my head around it. Everything inside my being shifted. What is real and what is important, what love is and what it isn't. It  all changed. My Ma and Poppa met at a birthday party when they  were 5 years old (photo below). They met again aged 18. Spending 66 years together, married for 62. 

Words cannot describe the strength of this mans heart. 

My Grandma says, "there is no such thing as a good or bad decision, it's how you act afterwards that makes it good or bad". My decision to move to New York ultimately meant I had 15 months less time with my Ma, but this is what happens when we live life and now we keep living. October 17th will be my last day in New York City for now, I am flying home to be with my Grandpa. They say life is short, for which it is, but life is also long and we must take the time to be with those we love while we can. 

"To my Ma, 

I would do anything to sit with you, while eating fresh bread and butter with hot peas, our favorite. You and me, only children sticking together. I would give anything to watch you draw while fairies and mermaids came to life on the page. We could eat finger buns from bakers delight and I could drive while I watch you try and enjoy the latest Eminem rap song on the radio. You would offer me money to buy something I needed and when I refused I would come home to find $50 slipped in my back pocket.

Thank you for always being so selfless and always putting us first, when sometimes, it really should have been you. Nothing was ever too big of a problem or too much to ask. We would laugh in the morning about how I had slept walked into your room and you would sit on my bed as I told you about my bad dreams, that you promised wouldn’t happen again. You were my Ma and a Ma to my friends that didn't have one. I never saw you cry and I never heard you yell. You made me laugh with your unexpected humor and wit, you made me smile, you sometimes made me frustrated and mad but more than anything you made me happy, your love was endless.

Thank you for giving myself, my mum, my aunty and my grandpa wings on our backs and love in our entire being.

Thank you for letting me feel what it means to be unconditionally loved, something that not everyone knows. You were my fierce protector, my cheerleader, my warm chest to rest on, the gentle hand guiding me forwards and the core of this family. 

Thank you for being a strong willed woman, one I can only hope to be like. Thank you for showing me that true love exists. 62 years of marriage with my Grandpa is something only people my age can dream of.

The void you have left in our lives will never be filled and nor should it. But that void will be there to remind us to be better, to be stronger and to remember the wonder that you always brought into our lives. 

I simply wouldn't be the person I am without you. 

I will be strong like you’ve always shown me how to be, and I will make you proud, we all will, for you and because of you. We may not have it all together but together, we have it all".  

I love you. Rest peacefully.

xxxxxxx