A New York minute with a New York man.

  

How many television shows, movies, documentaries and books are set in or written about New York City? I would love to answer that question but after browsing Google I don’t have the time or patience to count down the lists that appear to never end. However, you know and I know- its extensive. The Nanny, Seinfeld, Spin City, Just Shoot Me, Becker, Will & Grace, Friends, Sex and the City, Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, Glee, Suits and Girls. The list really could go on forever. These stories follow the lives of men and women as ‘New Yorkers’, as if to say life is different if you’re a ‘New Yorker’ and… perhaps it is. 

I’ve had numerous customers ask me, “why New York Rachel? you know there are plenty of other cities in America that would be easier to live in than New York?” and I answer the same every time “why not? I love it ”.  Last week, as I poured a gentleman his Brooklyn larger, he proudly informed me (after noticing my accent) that New York was in fact, “the capital of the world”. I took a few seconds to process this, was he correct in his assumption? Is there a global consensus that New York is ‘the capital’, had he read some studies and surveys I hadn't? Was he too many beers down and talking nonsense? Or was he a ‘New Yorker’ talking like a ‘New Yorker’- loud and proud. Whatever the answer was, it got me thinking. What is the fascination with this city? 

We've all heard that cliché saying, “men are from Mars, women are from Venus”. There is an endless debate on the differences between men and women and no matter how it’s told- it exists. So if New York is so different to the rest of the world, does that mean the men here are different to the rest of the men in the world?

I wanted to know...

Why you might ask? Why not I say.

I work with approximately 25 females with men as managers. Last week as a bunch of us discussed men, something like, another failed date with a man who actually had a girlfriend or didn't text or was an amazing person until the next day... our boss leans in and says "it's New York ladies, what do you expect?". Seriously?!? Is this a legitimate statement? It's New York... like its New Yorks fault? Am I on a different planet where the rules are different here? Well, yes. The more I listen the more I am hearing this statement repeated by both men and women. 

As I've said before, I don't blog about relationships, ex boyfriends, ex flings or anything that might resemble it. But today I make an exception, and not for romantic reasons but for the story. I believe if you don’t ask the questions you will never hear the answers and if you never hear new answers, you will be forever replaying the old ones. With a ratio of nearly 2:1 women to men, New York is a mans playground. In a city that holds millions of people scrambling around trying to be someone or make something, you'll be stabbed with a stiletto if you don't have yours on the ready to block. The rules are different here and that's something understood by everyone. If you make a mistake at work, well there are hundreds of others waiting to take your place- you have to be on point- always. Don't ever forget it. Get another layer of skin because girl you'll need it. And that's just work, that doesn't even compare to dating in this city.

Six months ago, I stumbled across a particular New York man. And stumbled it was. Well, ok not literally stumbled over him but locked eyes through a crowd and ok maybe I locked eyes first if we are being truthful here but lets not worry about those little details. Fast forward six months and today I am going to write about a man. I won’t be revealing his identity in this blog, although I think it would improve his street cred honestly (ha!) but I will tell you that my nickname for him is Chuck Bass (if that gives you any hints on his overall appearance and character). He is physically a mixture of Patrick Bateman and Chuck Bass and to me is representative of what many would think of the 'stereotypical' New Yorker.

I have a habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt, assuming everyone has a 'good side' a 'nice side' whatever that means. First meeting he was an arrogant, self indulged twat. Second meeting, several months later (by chance) we went for dinner, I was convinced I'd get through that ice exterior, I was certain there was more underneath. Why did I care? Well, I was intrigued. The dinner was awful, putting it bluntly. I'd immensely underestimated his intoxication level and he mocked my accent, to the point the woman sitting next to us looked at me in pity. Crap crap crap I thought. The instincts were wrong on this one, how did that happen? The next day he apologised and we laughed off the horrid night that had been. From then a friendship formed. One built on mutual respect and real conversation. I was right! YES! 1 for me. As my friend, I asked if he'd volunteer as my guinea pig for my blog. He obliged and the answers he provided were beyond expectation. 

He first answered these questions for me over a month ago and in that time he has become a great friend, a confidant. I've waited many weeks to finally post this, wanting to pay it what it deserves, write it the way it needs to be. A man who single handily raised the bar of what is ok and what isn't, what we deserve and what we don't, what we are worth and what we are not. In a city of millions, to stumble across people who change your life for the better and soften your exterior a little, is rare. Thank you CB. 

A New York minute with a New York man, introducing Chuck Bass:

"As a foreword, I make some generalizations in here based off of my experiences so far. Don't think that NYC isn't full of vibrant, amazing, and wonderful people". 

   3 words to describe yourself?

Confident, resolute, loyal.

      As a child you wanted to be?

Oh probably a professional surfer, but growing up on Cape Cod, that was beyond a long shot. Definitely some sort of professional athlete.

 

   As an adult you are?

Analyst at one of those investment banks the media loves to vilify.

 

   How old are you?

25. Freshly minted.

 

   What is your ideal woman?

Do you want to know the secrets of the universe as well? Brunette, to begin with (sorry blondes, nothing against you). She needs to know, deep down, who she is, what her worth is, and be genuine. A minimalist, natural beauty, looks good on no sleep, sick, and hungover. Active, or at least open to try new things.

 

  The most valuable trait you seek in a woman?

Broken record, but confidence in who she is. Genuine.

 

  Is past behavior a predictor of future behavior?

One could probably write an essay on this subject. Short answer, its a good way to determine how much to hedge yourself with someone, not that you should hedge yourself to begin with, but if that's your take on people in general. Someone told me one time that they would want to be taken at face value despite their past, so they chose to take everyone at face value, and I couldn't agree more. Face value until proven wrong.

 

   Men cheat more than women - true?

Loaded question. I'm going to say yes. Men tend to have this power complex in that we think that we can do whatever we want and get away with it. 

   Should girls offer to pay for the check at dinner?

I'm always torn on this subject. I think that the man should pay for dates during the initial dating period and if both parties intend to continue dating and become romantically involved, I wouldn't be opposed to the woman paying for something occasionally. Personally, I always think it shows good character and can't hurt anything. On a side note, to me, its flattering, but she can send a signal of discontinuation by doing it as well.

 

  A girl who goes home with you on the first night isn't worth pursuing?

Wrong. In fact, I have personal experience pursuing one who has and it was absolutely worth it. 

 

   Is there such a thing as "the chase"?

Some people only live for "the chase".

 

   Relationships need work or they should just work?

Relationships are a constantly growing and changing thing, so work is always needed. We all wish everything was perfect, but there's no such thing.  

 

   What's more important, inner or outer appearance?

In the end, inner, and I'll leave it at that.

 

   A successful women with confidence, a successful career and who knows what she wants is unappealing and threatening?

Quite the opposite is true. Extremely sexy.

 

   What's different about a New York City social life?

The sheer volume of people you encounter to start and the thousands of places to go, which can be overwhelming deciding where to go for a night. There's also a whole lot of attitudes running around the city, which requires one to be confident enough in oneself not to give a fuck about what anyone thinks, because its all nonsense. Mind you, I'm a bit biased because I tend to frequent a scene where attitudes are high and mighty, everywhere isn't like that. It'll break your bank account if you're not careful, and especially if your're young and just starting out and you're a male. Ladies, you're lucky.

 

   Is New York home or home for now?

Love it more than anything, but home for now. I think I've completely ruled out raising a family directly in Manhattan.

 

   Are New York men different to other cities and western countries?

Well let's say that in general, people who live in NYC tend to think they're God's gift to Planet Earth, and they will compare every other location and venue to whether or not it is on par with NYC (mind you, I find this extremely distasteful). They're just a more entitled, more over-confident. Now you mention western countries, lets just say the Euro-NYC dweller is, by far, the worst offender. I haven't done much travelling so I can't compare when they are in their home

 

   Most unattractive trait on a first date?

Cell phone out during the date. 

 

   Is chivalry dead?

For the most part, yes. Our generation is that of the brief and casual hookup. But, not to toot my own horn, I did just decided to wing it and sent a hand written Christmas card, which I sealed and stamped with wax and burned the edges of, to a girl as a present.

 

   Second chances - yes or no?

My high school self would say yes. As an adult, no. If it doesn't work the first time, its not meant to be.

 

   Girls with baggage? How much is too much?

This relates back to taking someone at face value. Everyone has their past and as long as its genuine, honest and real between both of us, then it does not matter in my opinion. However, if it's impeding the relationship, the baggage must go or she must go. One or the other.

 

   Is there anything worse than a drunk woman?

Probably a drunk man.

 

   Subway or taxi?

Going out on a weekend, taxi. Going home from the bar. Taxi. Anything else, subway.

 

   Whats the most challenging aspect of being a man in New York City?

How do you differentiate yourself amongst the masses. And maybe more importantly, how do you find a loyal girl.

 

    If your best friend was to describe you, what one word would they say?

Dedicated.

 

   If your ex was to describe you what three words would they use to describe you?

Tough question. Loyal. Supportive. Intense. Can I add one more? Handsome. 

How am I to end this blog off... I'm unsure. Some insight into the mind of a man, a New York man. It's worth asking the questions. This city keeps teaching me the greatest lessons. I often think I have a restless soul, forever in search of something, however unsure of what that something is. But what fun it brings. I try hard to do the right thing and be honest and loyal. Sometimes things happen and for a moment the light goes out, but meeting people, going places and experiencing something new each day always ignites that light brighter than it was before. Forever changing, forever growing. New York has made my skin thick but has made my heart bigger and stronger than ever before. 

Keep searching, keep asking.

"I found me in New York".

R xx