“Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed.
At 20 years old, confused and a little annoyed with 'love' I read 'Committed' by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of 'Eat, Pray, Love'. This was a book she wrote about love and marriage, how it works, why it works and how some people remain committed and others don't. After whizzing through the pages at lightening speed, completely immersed and feeling wiser from each word, I embarked on a personal quest. I would ask people who were married (like my grandparents) what their 'secret' to love and marriage was, because I believe these to be two separate things. To love someone is one thing, but to make the commitment and marry them and remain married, well that's a whole separate thing. Surely they were about to reveal the mystical, magical ingredient that I might adopt and then live happily ever after?
Right?
After many conversations and never ending questions, I didn't get that one secret ingredient. Instead I got a bag full of ingredients, wrapped up in respect, appreciation, time, friendship, love, kindness, taking the time to 'work on it' and... simply staying, when others might leave. I was a little confused. I already new this stuff. Didn't I? Don't we all? Don't we all get taught from a very young age to treat others how you want to be treated and if you don't have something nice to say then don't say anything at all? Isn't respect, kindness and appreciation how we treat each other anyway? Especially in relationships with someone we 'love'? Well, I guess there comes a point that we don't. And then it ends? Or the happiness ends... right?
“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed.
But why am I even talking about love and its mystery during my 'year away'?
Well, as I move closer to 'being old', I think about this. I reflect on that time, several years ago when I sat intently in my room reading 'committed' in search of the answers to happily ever after. I wonder what it was I was really searching for? And part of me has started thinking about those ingredients again, because one day, maybe now, I will need to use them.
Well, as I move closer to 'being old', I think about this. I reflect on that time, several years ago when I sat intently in my room reading 'committed' in search of the answers to happily ever after. I wonder what it was I was really searching for? And part of me has started thinking about those ingredients again, because one day, maybe now, I will need to use them.
Saturday morning I flew to Fort Lauderdale, Florida to celebrate the 85th birthday of my Uncle. The evening celebrations began with a room full of 50+ people, two were my family, one was my close friend, two others I had met that day and the rest were strangers. As the evening went on I found myself laughing, talking and dancing with people as though I had known them for years. These people were no longer strangers, we now had a cord tying us together, formed from the love and friendship they had with my Uncles, something they were now extending to me. This fascinated me, because people fascinate me, they always have. I ask questions like "what makes your marriage work?", because simply put, people are fascinating and you will never hear quite the same answer twice.
On this night I found myself in awe of the gathering of people that filled the chairs and moved across the dance floor. Each one a smiling face, with a genuine love and care for my Uncle Bill and Barry. As I sat at my table and took in my surroundings I felt humbled to be apart of it. What wonderful people they are to have created a life such as this. For if I, at 85 am able to sing, dance and laugh with a room full of people who genuinely love and adore me... I will be grateful.
On this night I found myself in awe of the gathering of people that filled the chairs and moved across the dance floor. Each one a smiling face, with a genuine love and care for my Uncle Bill and Barry. As I sat at my table and took in my surroundings I felt humbled to be apart of it. What wonderful people they are to have created a life such as this. For if I, at 85 am able to sing, dance and laugh with a room full of people who genuinely love and adore me... I will be grateful.
As the evening continued on, I noticed something more. I noticed the intimate relationships within the room that people shared with their partners. Husbands and husbands, husband and wife. The room was filled with young and old, from all walks of life and many of these people were sharing the evening alongside their partner. And I, from the outside looking in, saw laughter, dancing and smiles. Because that is all we ever are isn't it? From the outside if we are not on the inside? As most relationships are composed of walls and windows.
However, at the centre of this all was the celebration of my Uncle's birthday and within this celebration, a very special duo.
"The windows are the aspects of your relationship that are open to the world—that is, the necessary gaps through which you interact with family and friends; the walls are the barriers of trust behind which you guard the most intimate secrets of your marriage.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed.
However, at the centre of this all was the celebration of my Uncle's birthday and within this celebration, a very special duo.
It isn't often that you get to see a strong, solid, connected, united force of two people. Two people who have travelled through time together, up and down the hills, over, around and through the obstacles that people call life. A relationship, that is a friendship, a companionship and a partnership (and that's just what I observe from the outside). A life shared, not only with each other, but with their family and friends within this room. For we are all here for you two.
“In the modern industrialized Western world, where I come from, the person whom you choose to marry is perhaps the single most vivid representation of your own personality. Your spouse becomes the most gleaming possible mirror through which your emotional individualism is reflected back to the world. There is no choice more intensely personal after all, than whom you choose to marry; that choice tells us, to a large extent, who you are.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed.
As I enter into my fourth month here in the United States, I cannot believe how much I have already experienced and how much I have already learned. I set off, after all on the quest of 'something more' and although I'm unsure of what exactly that 'more' is, I'm sure finding a lot that seems like 'more'. I got to be in a room filled with love, respect and friendship. I feel, in many ways that I was offered a glimpse into my future, sixty years from now, if I ever am so lucky to figure out what those darn ingredients are.
While the love you share with you partner is often unrivaled with others, there is still something more going on here. There is friendship. There is a zest for life, a heart of wisdom, a mind of knowledge and a home of warmth that brings people into your life, and makes them want to stay. It makes people get up, out of their chairs and dance on the stage surrounded by people they may or may not know, it makes people do the 'wobble' when they haven't a clue how too, and it makes their niece get up and attempt latin dancing in front of a room full of 'strangers'.
Certain people create a space that makes others want to live a little better. It makes people leave a room and breathe a little deeper, smile a little more and feel humbled to know a man so great, to know a couple so wonderful.
And from this, the most miraculous part of all, is that love and happily ever after doesn't just lay on the shoulders of your chosen parter (if you even have one). It is within yourself and those all around you. It is your family and your friends and all those that fill the creases of your blanket of life.
"To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed.
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| Lets dance. |
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| Doing the 'wobble'. |
Although I cannot end this blog with a list of ingredients, I can say that I am a little closer than I was before. Because I see that it does exist. This may sound strange to some, but not to me. As I mentioned earlier, people fascinate me and I know that some people have never experienced what I have. Some people have never seen love like I, they have never seen friendships that are tailored with greatness. But I have. More than once. And just how wonderful life is.
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed.
Happy birthday Uncle Bill, for you deserved all of this and more.
xxx
Everything begins and ends with family.
xx
