Where is my shinny net?

I am an only child. It's just me. And this is a fact I have always stomped my foot at. Countless times I lay in bed as a child, squeezing my eyes shut as if I could magically create a sibling. But, unfortunately I'm no Jeanie so no siblings appeared and it remained just me. I'm not sure why it bothered me so much (and sometimes still does). Perhaps it has something to do with not having that someone who has to always be there for you no matter what (ideally). It's someone to keep you company at night in your room, or in the long car trips or at the Christmas lunches. It's another human on earth who gets your stuff like you get their stuff. You get each other.  However, determined as I was, I went on to find my siblings. Or perhaps life created my siblings. Either way, I have my beautiful friends. I love them like siblings. We sometimes fight like them too but no matter what I know they are always there for me. And me for them. 

The reason I mention this is because people speak of "needing to be on your own to find yourself". There have been times before I had thought I'd been alone. Many times before I thought I'd found myself. Found my core. Found Rachel. But little did I know, I have never really been alone....  because I always had a shinny safety net to catch me if I fell.  This net was delicately weaved within the trees, the streets, the cafes and all the places that I lived and breathed and experienced with my friends. There was always an open door to walk through, a shoulder to cry on and someone to keep me company. And I think this is why New York completely and utterly rocked me when I arrived. It is like being strung to a tree by your foot, dangling upside down. Where the hell was my shinny safety net? And WHY did I keep hitting the ground? I wasn't used to this. What is this place and how do I get back to my net ASAP!

The silence was deafening. And for the first time it really was just me. Here I was, on the other side of the world and it was just bloody me. How did I land this stupid deal and when is it ending? Well it turns out, I kinda like this.  

Here I am, creating my life. My way. From scratch. It was scary as sh** and I would have traded anything for my shinny net back, but I'm learning without it. This week I finally have some structure to my life (for those who know me know that my life without structure is like wearing shoes without socks... sooner or later it gets sticky and uncomfortable and usually stinks). Structure has arrived in the shape of a bar. I have started my Bar Method classes. It's pretty pricy in comparison to the gyms but so worth it. Flowers, perfumes, candles and a seriously serious workout. 

A 60 minute workout using techniques from dance and ballet to work and HURT every muscle in your body. All while you're standing in front of a mirror. If I hadn't found myself before now.... well I've found her for sure now. Staring at myself, my arms, my stomach, my squats, my lifts.... seemed I was starting to get a little soft (HA American food you don't win yet). It seems when you have no structure (slash plans/friends/life) you finish work and.... eat American food. This is fine for a holiday, but not for a year.  

The Bar Method.

The Bar Method.

The Bar Method.

The Bar Method.

Facing myself in the mirror while I grip the bar and follow instructions for 50 leg lifts, I'm looking around the room and see women in their fifties lifting higher than me. Challenge accepted (this may take some time, these women are impressive). The instructor circles the room, already knowing everyones name so when your technique drops "Rachel, shoulders back, feet wider". Rather than a gentle push, this is a hard knock to work harder, does everyone know I'm Rachel? 

This morning I was happy to get out of bed and start the day. Even though, just like last week, it's just me. But I think I'm ok with that now. For 60 minutes Monday through to Friday the Bar Method will be keeping me busy and keep me sane and probably a little sore. 

So this week, without realising it, I'm starting to find my feet. Calling home to friends and family keeps the sparkle in my net, even though it isn't here to catch me right now. Instead I'm spending my days getting outside, playing outside with the kids (a 7 year old out scored me in basketball today), borrowed some books from the library (haven't done that since I was in primary school) and making plans for the weekends :)

Basketball with the kids.

Reading reading.

I stumbled across an article today. An article about love and emotions (does anyone actually like that word?). I read on anyway.

"We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so f**king exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us. You know what comes naturally to human beings though? Being open, being messy, being raw, being unfiltered, having lots of feelings...".  

Reading this I instantly shared the link with a few of my friends. Amazing. True. And I'm going to take the risk on myself. Because I think thats just as vulnerable. It's just as vulnerable to sit with yourself and your thoughts. So thank goodness I took that leap and after stumbling.... landed here. Because I think I'm right where I need to be.