105 Days.

January 7, 2013 I landed in Sydney. After three short weeks 'exploring' America I was determined that my stay in Australia would be short-lived. Everything I had went into planning for a move to New York.

I began working 7 days a week to save enough money and any spare time was spent finding documents, filling documents, scanning documents, booking interviews and organising 'this' move. I remember saying to my friend the weekend before I left "wow it's come so quick" and she replied, "it's always been quick babe" and I guess it was. When I spoke to other Au Pairs at training in Manhattan some of them had spent 10 months planning their move. 

105 days later I boarded a plane, destination New York.

I don't believe I stopped long enough to breathe in all I had before I left.... 

105 days is a very long time if you're counting, but I was counting in the other direction, I was counting down to the day I would leave. Full of excitement of the unknown. Full of belief. Full of hope. Because something new was about to begin. 

The other day, as I was walking through Manhattan with another Au Pair we were talking about 'our' move. She turned to me and said the perfect words.... 

"they just don't really tell you how lonely it is". 

Two days ago I got a text from one of the girls I was at Au Pair training with, she was going home. I was completely shattered. A few reasons for this.... 1. I was so excited to have her as a friend and we had made some exciting plans to explore Manhattan together 2. She was someone who understood exactly what this was like and 3. Holy (sh**) if she's gone home.... it really is lonely for us all.

A few years ago I read the book EAT, PRAY, LOVE by Elizabeth Gilbert. I remember reading about a night she was in Italy and she lay on her floor and cried, engulfed in total loneliness. I thought to myself "how the hell is that even possible? to be in a place like Italy and to feel alone?".

Well last night I found myself, totally and utterly engulfed in loneliness (am I seriously writing this to the world of social media?!). Although it wasn't a floor, instead I opted for the bedsheets and pillow, nevertheless I don't think I've cried so intensely in a very long time. My chest was aching and in that moment I could have sworn I was the only person on earth. Now don't get me wrong, New York is unreal.... this place is amazing. Manhattan has a beat of it's own. That place has pulses running through the pavement. BUT human interaction is a treasure, and one I am struggling to acquire. 

As the days pass I'm also starting to wonder if perhaps..... I had a bloody good life back home?! And am I just being spoilt? 

Back home I have a very close group of friends, EVERY weekend we would see each other, most week nights I would be seeing other friends, or family and every single day I would be on the phone or texting. Our lives.... were totally and utterly interlinked. So perhaps what I'm experiencing now is the feeling of breaking up with someone, but I'm breaking up with about 20 people at once haha.

What I have discovered is this... I am lucky. Someone asked me the other day, "is it hard for you?" and the answer is yes (could you tell?) but, I am lucky because I have all these wonderful people back home who are full of love and they are each pushing me forward each day. This helps.

Monday-Friday I work in the suburbs as a nanny. For those living in Sydney, the distance is similar to living in Mosman/Manly area and Manhattan is Sydney CBD. It is nice and close but the suburbs have a beat of their own. My challenge is to find a routine that will keep me busy (in between work) Monday-Friday. I've started making friends with nannies around this area and this is definitely helping. Making friends is hard work, or should I say 'meeting' friends is hard work. I've always been the person that "if you don't like something, change it!" I remember first term year 8 I was sitting next to a girl in my art class. Full of nerves, I turned to her, opened my mouth "could I sit with you and your friends at recess?" (how embarrassing!!!) she said yes. 

Nearly 11 years later I am her sons Godmother, I signed her wedding papers and we are inseparable best friends. Friendship can blossom from the strangest places. 

I'm going to join a gym and possibly a sports team (I can hear some of my friends laughing at this) and after the summer, in September I'm going to start school. SO I'll just be overloaded with friends by then! Right?!? :)