Today my phone died.

Right foot. Left foot. Both are flat on the pavement. My knees are bent, supporting my book as I write. I've taken off my sunglasses, to see a little clearer- I really need a case for those glasses. The sky is pale grey, almost white, no clouds, no sun.

To my right I can hear the drums and the ringing of bells, they remind me of my primary school lunch bell. It's music. The soundtrack. In the distance sirens sound, a plea to the New York rush hour drivers to move, as if they can. A young man strums his guitar, I always wanted to learn. Silence echoes from the chess players. The girl behind me is planning to move out, her room mate is too loud.

A young girl, maybe 21, bright barbie pink hair is in deep conversation with her cross legged friend. I wonder what about.

A shadow covers my book. Above me stands a black man, in a wedding dress. I blink several times, attempting to take it in. "You write sloppy!" he proclaims, and the laughter around me confirms that not only I heard this. I close my book, realising that he may start reading aloud my descriptions of those around me, barbie pink hair might hear.

"What are you writing? Writing to yourself?!" he snaps.

"Yes...", I smile politely, as if I am the one intruding on him. Is he going to leave? Or will it be me who leaves. I wait patiently.

A woman snaps his picture. "Hey! Come back here! You give me a dollar right now!", he's angry. He leaves my side, he has more important things to do. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean too", but she so did. "This is why I'm not a model!" he really doesn't like his picture being taken, a model would surely be a bad career choice.

I decide to move.

With perspective now on my side, I see he has a white suit shirt and vest with a white silky tie. A long flowing lacy floor length skirt, just like a princess. His neck is covered by a large silk scarf, almost like a tutu. His head holds the white top hat. A silver peace sign necklace hangs on his chest, large goggles cover his eyes. His right hand grasps a large hessian sack, its beautiful. Flowers are woven around the middle. His left hand grips a white plastic bag, looks heavy.

He's screaming now, almost erratic. Between the screams appear short bursts of conversations with the  strangers sitting at his feet. He asks the man what he is reading, impatient he grabs the book to see for himself.

A boy snaps his picture. Barely 15 years old. "HEY!" he saw it, he runs. The boys begins to laugh and runs, looking back as if to check that this is actually happening. The man stops and then stumbles backwards, falling several steps to the ground. Confused and disoriented. No body helps. The boy sees his opportunity and takes it, *click click*, closer this time.

It's Union Square, New York city and the cherry blossoms are floating through the air, falling softy like snow flakes. There is a woman laying asleep to my left, I wonder what she is dreaming. Her backpack supports her head as the pavement supports her body. Folded arms are positioned protectively in front of her stomach. The green beer can catches the light.

Six teenagers, standing in a line. So tall, yet no older than 16. The boy now stands between them, he isn't scared anymore. They taunt the man, smiling and laughing. The young boy walks closer, a little cocky, strength in his voice "what did you say old man?". His friends are only steps away, he feels tough. Shoulders arched.

Others read on, obliviously or seemingly oblivious. Some pause, listening and watching, intrigued perhaps or maybe amused. I've moved a little further, sitting on a bench. I take out a shortbread biscuit, I love shortbread. I uncross my legs, I don't want spider veins.

She twists her ring, as if it's hurting her. She's reciting words from a handwritten note. It's a long note, more like a letter, perhaps one she wrote, or received.

Surely it's too cold for shorts, people are wearing shorts.

The man is now dancing. Slow dancing, is it to the drums? I wonder... where is his family? His friends?

I reach into my bag to check my phone, greeted by the black screen I remember it died. I would have usually had my head phones in, music playing, eyes and brain locked onto that screen.

Instead I watched and listened to the real world around me. I can't share any pictures, because I didn't take any.

His skirt was really very beautiful. 

Mahalo

Mahalo

Last week I was lucky enough to visit Hawaii for the first time. 5 days in paradise with my Grandparents and Uncles (yep lucky me). The New York winter had been harsh, 5 months of sunless days and my skin was now aching for attention. After 10.5 hours of flying from New York, I landed at Honolulu airport, suitcase and handbag in-tow. I made my way for the shuttle bus (Speedi-shuttle), handed my luggage to the driver and boarded the bus- onwards to vacation time! My stomach was home to a family of butterflies, I couldn't wait to be sheltered in the arms of my Grandma. As a child, all I wanted was to be an independent 'adult', making my own choices, but as an adult we all know the feeling too well of that lingering desire to be curled up on Grandmas couch, watching disney films, curtains drawn and not a care in the world (including what's for lunch- Grandma's got that sorted).

As we drive along the coastline, I realise how much I've missed this- the ocean, the outdoors, the SUN! As soon as I get off this bus, I'm headed for that ocean... I thought. 45 minutes later and we arrive at my resort. However, my luggage did not. It had vanished, was missing, lost, stolen, had disappeared... GONE! Keep your calm Rachel, it'll turn up. The driver assured me he would go back and find it- good! I hopped off the bus, greeted with big hugs from my family and despite the fact I only had Nikes, tights and the top I had been wearing for 12 hours... I was happy to be here. The ocean was lingering in front of my lunch table, but with no bikini it would have to wait. 

Hours and eventually days passed, and no luggage. The shuttle bus company taking no responsibility for misplacing/losing my luggage and I had to accept it was never coming back. My suitcase was big, and expensive- I had invested in that suitcase when I had moved to NYC assuming it would last me a good 10 years of travel. With a big suitcase, but only a short vacation I had stupidly thrown every summer item I own in that case. Shoes, dresses, bikinis, hats, skirts, shorts, jewellery and the list goes on. I couldn't believe it had happened. After years of travelling I had never lost a thing! "It's just stuff" I told myself, although I couldn't quite shake the feeling of my new pretty dress, never being worn, roaming Hawaii somewhere... My friend M rightly pointed out that "As morbid as it may sound, we don't cross to the other side with 'things'" and she was right, we don't. They're just things Rachel. The next 5 days was unexplainably amazing. 

"Time, when pursued like a bandit- will behave like one. At some point you have to stop because it won't. You have to admit that you can't catch it. That you're not supposed to catch it. At some point, you gotta let go and sit still and let contentment come to YOU".

For 5 days I got to spend real, uninterrupted time with my family. The laughs were contagious, the food was continuous and the memories will be forever. We sat around the table each night enjoying each other, Grandma and I swam with dolphins, and I mean freestyle swam through the water while the dolphin swam next to us... Grandma and I swam out to the pontoon and sunbaked, we drank from a pineapple and visited Pearl Harbour. I would lose that darn suitcase all over again to have that week. 

I've realised, how easy it is to get lost in 'things'. We 'nest', building our surroundings, filling our wardrobes, our bags and our lives with 'things'. I had just 'lost' thousands of dollars, but as cliche as it is, money couldn't buy the week I had spent with my family. Those memories will be forever. This entire time in New York is about the experiences, the people and the places... not the things I can buy to fill my suitcase. 

There on Kahala beach, I spent my week in 2 bikinis, 2 dresses and a pair of tights and Nikes. Less wardrobe changes than I've ever had, and what a good feeling that was. 

Mahalo. xxx

Get off the floor.

“Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are”. Jo Blackwell-Preston

We learn from a very young age that we should have ‘people’.

Day 1 of kindergarten the teacher will encourage you to find some ‘friends’ to sit with. From here you will pick ‘your people’ and slowly begin to form ‘your group’. We all know the social consequences if you don’t have a group or don’t have ‘friends’- a loser, a loner, a weirdo. In fear of facing these taunts and in search of finding a place to belong and to be with people who ‘get you’, you’ll run to hold hands with a partner when you’re told to line up, god forbid you’re the only 1 left and have to walk with the teacher as your partner. Each time you’re told to pick a buddy to sit with or plan a project with you’ll seek comfort from ‘your’ friends. In primary school this often leads to arguments of “you stole her from me- she is my friend” and one day your best friend might fight with you and your world will feel like it’s coming to an end, who will you sit with? How will you survive in the playground or worse, the world? Who are you without them- nobody?  

High school arrives and some us become separated and are forced to find new ‘people’. High school is like being released into the wild. A time when we are struggling with being a child and becoming an adult. Many of us begin to form our first romantic relationships, we hate school and we hate our parents- our ‘friends’ become our family. Our friends become our life. When we break up with a boyfriend or fight with our parents our ‘friends’ are the ones we run too, the ones we seek comfort and protection from. You are a loyal, steadfast gang “best friends foreverrrr!.” You only go to a party if your friends are going, you’ll get matching shoes and you wouldn’t dare pick a subject at school without discussing it with the group first “ok so, textiles, cooking and German”. If your parents dare to insinuate she isn’t a good influence you feel like they’ve just committed a crime- howwww dare theyyyy?! You storm off and tell your Mum she has no idea about life. Says 15 year old you.

And then one day high school ends and you suddenly realise you have to start making some decisions on your own. Some of you are getting jobs, other continuing to study and others are having children and getting married. You realise you can’t make the same choices anymore- you HAVE to start figuring it out alone, but how alone is really alone with mobile phones?! For the next few years you’re all determined to remain in each other’s pockets. While work, boyfriends and jobs might be making you time poor, you make sure to always text, talk on the phone for hours and spend your time retelling your dramas from the day, desperately needing their advice and guidance, “I can’t make this decision alone! She knows me the best!”. While you may no longer sit together in a circle at lunchtime, you’re not ready to cut the cord. Because for the last 10 years all you know is the feeling of knowing and defending each other. Those years when water is thicker than blood- for most of us.

This little gang just got a little complicated. But you’ll all hang on.

People say that you need to be alone and learn to love yourself in order to really understand who you are and what you deserve. I’ve always taken this to mean men- that you need to be single and alone to find out who you are- but more recently I’ve decided that’s actually not the case. You just need to be alone to find out who you are.

“Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other peoples”.

Anais Nin

Nearly 12 months ago I moved to the other side of the world in search of “something more”, not quite knowing what that was but I knew whatever it was, wasn’t in Australia.  I spent nights ‘alone’ in bed where I would cry and miss home. I was alone I thought- away from my friends and away from my family. I don’t like this alone stuff! I fought it with everything I had. I would keep busy with joining the gym, making new friends, calling friends from home and filling up all my empty spaces with noise and other peoples voices and opinions.

 The thing is- when you move to a ‘new world’ you suddenly have to figure out who you are. What do you like and what don’t you like? Because your best friend isn’t here to tell you. What dress matches which shoes? Hair up or hair down? Did I just say something embarrassing? Do I text them back now or later? Have I put on weight? Am I fat? All these seemingly minor choices that were once joint decisions- are now all yours baby. Even if I wanted to make a joint decision my best friends were sleeping in an opposite time zone. I had to make a conscious choice on who I was and what Rachel I was going to be introducing to the world. I wasn’t even sure. The thing with knowing people your whole life, is that they’ve known you your whole life. Neither of you remember a time without each other. Just like a romantic relationship, a friendship also has roles and expectations that you play. Just as in high school, we become dependent on each other and lean on each other when sometimes- you just need to hold yourself up.  Slowly but surely you'll learn how too.

12 months later…

I’ve realised that what I was in search of- was me.

At 17 I couldn’t eat my breakfast without telling my best friend. My choices needed to be approved and guided by others because I didn’t have enough faith in myself. I didn’t trust my own decisions and I was scared that when something went wrong, well it was no ones fault but mine. I clung to the validation of others and my ego screamed in my head that to be loved, to be liked and to be approved was crucial. Because without ‘them’ who was I?

  

"If you don’t like being a doormat then get off the floor".

Al Anon

Well being on the other side of the world, I've realised without them by my side- I'm still Rachel. And that my decisions, my choices and my beliefs are mine and they actually rock! I actually rock. Not everything is for everyone and although we liked the same subjects in school, in adult life it sometimes just doesn't work out the same in real life. As an adult, I have wonderful friends who I love dearly and not only do I have wonderful friends in Australia I have wonderful friends in America. I am very lucky. But what I've also learned is that I am strong enough to depend on me, my friends are my support when I need them, and I love them dearly but I am my decision maker I don't have to double check every choice before I make it and sometimes I can cry about something alone and get over it myself. We don't live in each others pockets anymore, we live next to each other and sometimes even a little further. We need to hold onto the memories but we also need to change some of our behaviours as we grow. We need to love, support and push each other upwards instead of holding on and drowning each other. We need to laugh and smile instead of critique and control. Be each others light, not each others shadow. 

 Growing up doesn't mean letting go, it just means changing and widening the dress size so it just fits you now, not everyone else and it means learning to speak with your own voice a little louder and order your own pepsi. 

 "Where you come from is gone, where you thought you were going to never was there, and where you are is no good unless you can get away from it. in yourself right now is all the place you've got".

Flannery O'connor 

 R 

xxx

The Originals.

1 year.

12 months.

52 weeks.

365 days.

April 22, 2014 will mark 1 year in America.

But it just doesn’t feel like 1 year. It just doesn’t. I’ve really been away for 1 year? Where did that time go? Boarding the plane seems like years ago but I still remember the exact song I listened too as I took off, “Purity Ring- Shrines- Lofticries”. 

That Rachel, she seems like someone I once met.

Recently I’ve had a fascination with time and age. The other day I wondered if at 34 I would have as hard a time remembering today as I do remembering being 14? And at 44 will it be even more difficult? Will I remember that polar vortex that rocked my winter in NYC of 2014? Undoubtedly.

When I think back to myself standing in front of thirty 16 year olds teaching- well high-five to her.

Times flies.

At 12 years of age I would sit watching ‘Home & Away’ as Gypsy drove her car and I imagined how it would feel when I was 17 driving my own car and how would it feel to be 17 looking back at thinking of my 12 year old self thinking of my 17 year old self- are you confused yet?

Fast forward 12 years and I ironically tweeted about being 17 again.

“You know what I’ve noticed with you Rachel, you feel something in your gut- your intuition speaks and you act and do what’s best for you but then your head starts talking and you back track”.  My friend M recently said this to me as we sat talking over coffee (my coffee- as usual). This statement couldn't be more right. So often we feel something and we act on it, we don't know why sometimes but we do- they're the times in my life that everything's worked out- often better than I'd imagined. But the key is listening- listening to yourself. The minute you allow yourself to replay old stories, rethink old choices and bring in old reasons for new situations... well you're up that creek without a paddle. 

What you will learn when you board a plane and move across the world?

- You’re absolutely amazing, fearlessly brave & not to doubt yourself for a single second- because uhh hello! You just chose to jump off a cliff and landed- on your feet.

- People are not always forever, sometimes they were for just the for right time but not the whole time.

- Your choices are right- for you- not for everyone- learn to accept that.

- You shouldn’t have experimented with ombre hair because your ends will split and you’ll eventually have to face the reality that a haircut is a must.

- People will hurt your heart but it won’t hurt forever- I promise.

- There is a difference between wants and needs.

- Bikram yoga will change you body, mind and entire life- seriously (pictures to come).

- No matter how far you go, those who matter will still feel like they’re by your side throughout it all.

- You don’t have to have it all figured out all of the time, sometimes things will figure themselves out.

- Time disappears. Ring your Mum back and listened to her talk for an hour about everything and anything- it’s important.

 - Drink lots of water, it’s good for everything.

- You will never be ‘ready’ so stop waiting to be.

- Stop stop stopppp stalking/looking/hating on someone else’s life and choices. It’s their movie, not yours.

- Stop justifying your choices to others. Because those who matter will simply reply with “it’s ok, I love you, why are you explaining yourself to me- it’s me”.

- Always be polite, smile and say your pleases and thankyous- people remember that stuff.

- Stop acting entitled. You’re entitled to a great life but not to that job or that opportunity, so if you want it, start working for it.

- Friends will appear in the most surprising ways at the most unexpected times.

- Be an original. If I made the food choices my best friend did- I’d be obese. My metabolism isn’t her metabolism. Make your own choices. Or you’ll be miserable and fat blaming someone else for it- suck it up princess and grow a backbone.

 - Everything is possible with a little imagination and a lot of determination.

“Why settle for a single home when you have an entire world”

R

xx