Get off the floor.

“Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are”. Jo Blackwell-Preston

We learn from a very young age that we should have ‘people’.

Day 1 of kindergarten the teacher will encourage you to find some ‘friends’ to sit with. From here you will pick ‘your people’ and slowly begin to form ‘your group’. We all know the social consequences if you don’t have a group or don’t have ‘friends’- a loser, a loner, a weirdo. In fear of facing these taunts and in search of finding a place to belong and to be with people who ‘get you’, you’ll run to hold hands with a partner when you’re told to line up, god forbid you’re the only 1 left and have to walk with the teacher as your partner. Each time you’re told to pick a buddy to sit with or plan a project with you’ll seek comfort from ‘your’ friends. In primary school this often leads to arguments of “you stole her from me- she is my friend” and one day your best friend might fight with you and your world will feel like it’s coming to an end, who will you sit with? How will you survive in the playground or worse, the world? Who are you without them- nobody?  

High school arrives and some us become separated and are forced to find new ‘people’. High school is like being released into the wild. A time when we are struggling with being a child and becoming an adult. Many of us begin to form our first romantic relationships, we hate school and we hate our parents- our ‘friends’ become our family. Our friends become our life. When we break up with a boyfriend or fight with our parents our ‘friends’ are the ones we run too, the ones we seek comfort and protection from. You are a loyal, steadfast gang “best friends foreverrrr!.” You only go to a party if your friends are going, you’ll get matching shoes and you wouldn’t dare pick a subject at school without discussing it with the group first “ok so, textiles, cooking and German”. If your parents dare to insinuate she isn’t a good influence you feel like they’ve just committed a crime- howwww dare theyyyy?! You storm off and tell your Mum she has no idea about life. Says 15 year old you.

And then one day high school ends and you suddenly realise you have to start making some decisions on your own. Some of you are getting jobs, other continuing to study and others are having children and getting married. You realise you can’t make the same choices anymore- you HAVE to start figuring it out alone, but how alone is really alone with mobile phones?! For the next few years you’re all determined to remain in each other’s pockets. While work, boyfriends and jobs might be making you time poor, you make sure to always text, talk on the phone for hours and spend your time retelling your dramas from the day, desperately needing their advice and guidance, “I can’t make this decision alone! She knows me the best!”. While you may no longer sit together in a circle at lunchtime, you’re not ready to cut the cord. Because for the last 10 years all you know is the feeling of knowing and defending each other. Those years when water is thicker than blood- for most of us.

This little gang just got a little complicated. But you’ll all hang on.

People say that you need to be alone and learn to love yourself in order to really understand who you are and what you deserve. I’ve always taken this to mean men- that you need to be single and alone to find out who you are- but more recently I’ve decided that’s actually not the case. You just need to be alone to find out who you are.

“Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other peoples”.

Anais Nin

Nearly 12 months ago I moved to the other side of the world in search of “something more”, not quite knowing what that was but I knew whatever it was, wasn’t in Australia.  I spent nights ‘alone’ in bed where I would cry and miss home. I was alone I thought- away from my friends and away from my family. I don’t like this alone stuff! I fought it with everything I had. I would keep busy with joining the gym, making new friends, calling friends from home and filling up all my empty spaces with noise and other peoples voices and opinions.

 The thing is- when you move to a ‘new world’ you suddenly have to figure out who you are. What do you like and what don’t you like? Because your best friend isn’t here to tell you. What dress matches which shoes? Hair up or hair down? Did I just say something embarrassing? Do I text them back now or later? Have I put on weight? Am I fat? All these seemingly minor choices that were once joint decisions- are now all yours baby. Even if I wanted to make a joint decision my best friends were sleeping in an opposite time zone. I had to make a conscious choice on who I was and what Rachel I was going to be introducing to the world. I wasn’t even sure. The thing with knowing people your whole life, is that they’ve known you your whole life. Neither of you remember a time without each other. Just like a romantic relationship, a friendship also has roles and expectations that you play. Just as in high school, we become dependent on each other and lean on each other when sometimes- you just need to hold yourself up.  Slowly but surely you'll learn how too.

12 months later…

I’ve realised that what I was in search of- was me.

At 17 I couldn’t eat my breakfast without telling my best friend. My choices needed to be approved and guided by others because I didn’t have enough faith in myself. I didn’t trust my own decisions and I was scared that when something went wrong, well it was no ones fault but mine. I clung to the validation of others and my ego screamed in my head that to be loved, to be liked and to be approved was crucial. Because without ‘them’ who was I?

  

"If you don’t like being a doormat then get off the floor".

Al Anon

Well being on the other side of the world, I've realised without them by my side- I'm still Rachel. And that my decisions, my choices and my beliefs are mine and they actually rock! I actually rock. Not everything is for everyone and although we liked the same subjects in school, in adult life it sometimes just doesn't work out the same in real life. As an adult, I have wonderful friends who I love dearly and not only do I have wonderful friends in Australia I have wonderful friends in America. I am very lucky. But what I've also learned is that I am strong enough to depend on me, my friends are my support when I need them, and I love them dearly but I am my decision maker I don't have to double check every choice before I make it and sometimes I can cry about something alone and get over it myself. We don't live in each others pockets anymore, we live next to each other and sometimes even a little further. We need to hold onto the memories but we also need to change some of our behaviours as we grow. We need to love, support and push each other upwards instead of holding on and drowning each other. We need to laugh and smile instead of critique and control. Be each others light, not each others shadow. 

 Growing up doesn't mean letting go, it just means changing and widening the dress size so it just fits you now, not everyone else and it means learning to speak with your own voice a little louder and order your own pepsi. 

 "Where you come from is gone, where you thought you were going to never was there, and where you are is no good unless you can get away from it. in yourself right now is all the place you've got".

Flannery O'connor 

 R 

xxx

The Originals.

1 year.

12 months.

52 weeks.

365 days.

April 22, 2014 will mark 1 year in America.

But it just doesn’t feel like 1 year. It just doesn’t. I’ve really been away for 1 year? Where did that time go? Boarding the plane seems like years ago but I still remember the exact song I listened too as I took off, “Purity Ring- Shrines- Lofticries”. 

That Rachel, she seems like someone I once met.

Recently I’ve had a fascination with time and age. The other day I wondered if at 34 I would have as hard a time remembering today as I do remembering being 14? And at 44 will it be even more difficult? Will I remember that polar vortex that rocked my winter in NYC of 2014? Undoubtedly.

When I think back to myself standing in front of thirty 16 year olds teaching- well high-five to her.

Times flies.

At 12 years of age I would sit watching ‘Home & Away’ as Gypsy drove her car and I imagined how it would feel when I was 17 driving my own car and how would it feel to be 17 looking back at thinking of my 12 year old self thinking of my 17 year old self- are you confused yet?

Fast forward 12 years and I ironically tweeted about being 17 again.

“You know what I’ve noticed with you Rachel, you feel something in your gut- your intuition speaks and you act and do what’s best for you but then your head starts talking and you back track”.  My friend M recently said this to me as we sat talking over coffee (my coffee- as usual). This statement couldn't be more right. So often we feel something and we act on it, we don't know why sometimes but we do- they're the times in my life that everything's worked out- often better than I'd imagined. But the key is listening- listening to yourself. The minute you allow yourself to replay old stories, rethink old choices and bring in old reasons for new situations... well you're up that creek without a paddle. 

What you will learn when you board a plane and move across the world?

- You’re absolutely amazing, fearlessly brave & not to doubt yourself for a single second- because uhh hello! You just chose to jump off a cliff and landed- on your feet.

- People are not always forever, sometimes they were for just the for right time but not the whole time.

- Your choices are right- for you- not for everyone- learn to accept that.

- You shouldn’t have experimented with ombre hair because your ends will split and you’ll eventually have to face the reality that a haircut is a must.

- People will hurt your heart but it won’t hurt forever- I promise.

- There is a difference between wants and needs.

- Bikram yoga will change you body, mind and entire life- seriously (pictures to come).

- No matter how far you go, those who matter will still feel like they’re by your side throughout it all.

- You don’t have to have it all figured out all of the time, sometimes things will figure themselves out.

- Time disappears. Ring your Mum back and listened to her talk for an hour about everything and anything- it’s important.

 - Drink lots of water, it’s good for everything.

- You will never be ‘ready’ so stop waiting to be.

- Stop stop stopppp stalking/looking/hating on someone else’s life and choices. It’s their movie, not yours.

- Stop justifying your choices to others. Because those who matter will simply reply with “it’s ok, I love you, why are you explaining yourself to me- it’s me”.

- Always be polite, smile and say your pleases and thankyous- people remember that stuff.

- Stop acting entitled. You’re entitled to a great life but not to that job or that opportunity, so if you want it, start working for it.

- Friends will appear in the most surprising ways at the most unexpected times.

- Be an original. If I made the food choices my best friend did- I’d be obese. My metabolism isn’t her metabolism. Make your own choices. Or you’ll be miserable and fat blaming someone else for it- suck it up princess and grow a backbone.

 - Everything is possible with a little imagination and a lot of determination.

“Why settle for a single home when you have an entire world”

R

xx

Delicious Ambiguity.

 "Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future". 

Deepak Chopra

What is the secret to life? What should I do next? How do I know if this is the right thing to do? What if it's the wrong choice? What if she hates me for it? What if he gets mad at me ? What if I regret it?!.... 

These are all things many of us have said, well I know I've certainly said them. I have a tendency to think things through and then think them through again. I certainly wouldn't turn life away if it came and gave me a book of answers! But the more I just get up and move the easier it is to do just that- MOVE and make choices and move again.

I am in love with my life but I am not afraid to admit when I'm not. If I am doing something I don't like, something I don't feel I'm growing from, something that isn't food for my soul, I'll change it. I don't think that's selfish, I think that's smart. Time waits for no one, so you better not wait. Five years ago I couldn't have dreamed up the reality I live today. Do I have down moments? Of course. We are human- I am human. But am I grateful? you bet. Am I blessed? without a doubt. 

The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times. Paulo Coelho

Most recently I finally moved into a Manhattan apartment. My very own little piece of real estate to call my own. 

I did a day trip to IKEA and filled my trolley with bits and pieces that would create the room I wanted. I am in love with it. All mine. 

Mine, mine, mine.

I also died my hair- again.

Growing up I've lived by the mantra "if it's meant to be it'll be" but recently I have been led to feel otherwise. Last week at work, two customers sat in front of me at the bar- Dianne and Chris lets call them. Both in their mid 40s and wanting to try some new and "tasty" shots. A shot?! Hmmm ok, are these two on their first date? I wondered. After a few shots it didn't take them long to tell me 'their' story. They first met aged 22, dated for 7 years and then a career change by Dianne landed Chris with an ultimatum- move with me or we break up? Well... it seems Chris doesn't like ultimatums and... they broke up. 20 years later here they were sitting in front of me at the bar, getting drunk and outrageously flirting with each other. They are now married to other people, Chris has 2 children and Dianne heavily invested in her career. 

I stood watching them, the chemistry unwavering. I had to ask- I had too. "So now what? You're friends? Do your partners know you're here together?"- they said of course! They weren't cheating and never would, their partners knew but their friends didn't. "Why?" I was intrigued. They explained their friends would be annoyed because their friends think they should have married each other, then Chris tells me, alcohol eyes glistening that he has never loved anyone the way he has loved Dianne but life changed and their paths separated. Ok! Thats it, now I really have to ask "everyone has always told me that it'll work out in the end if it's meant too- looking back, do you agree?". They both huffed at my apparent stupidity and naivety. Chris slammed his hand on the bar, clearly ready to answer first "absolutely not, you MUST be conscious in your choices, you MUST chase what it is you want and you must move towards it unwaveringly, don't leave anything to chance", Dianne smiled "it's true, sometimes it doesn't work out the way you planned or the way you hoped, don't get to 40 Rachel and leave an opening to feel that way". 

You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. Steve Jobs

Moving to New York was a big move. I pinch myself sometimes. I really am here. As I sit writing this blog, thinking of Dianne and Chris, I don't think I have to worry. I am making my own opportunities and loving every minute of this path I am on. Time is zooming by, my little godson just turned 3, it seems like yesterday he was born. So much has happened and lately it feels I don't have time to blink in fear of missing something. Often our path takes a sharp right and heads somewhere we didn't expect but it's those times we get taken down the secret path and get to see the most beautiful flowers of all, the flowers we once expected to be weeds. 

Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what. Andy Warhol

Take on each day as it comes and if it doesn't work out quite right- so what.

R

xxx